It’s OK To Not Know
We all make constant assumptions about people and situations. It is a natural response to making sense of a situation based on our previous experiences, on what we know, and what we don’t know. However, assumptions that go unchecked can lead to huge misunderstandings between people, sometimes making it difficult for people to work together.
Checking Our Assumptions: Asking Questions Is Key
As leaders, how do we ensure that we are checking in with the assumptions that we are making regularly? Although not the only way, staying curious and asking questions are super helpful and can help us take steps in the right direction. Recognising that we are making assumptions is the first step; the second is checking out and exploring the assumptions we make with the person about whom the assumptions are being made. Both help to move us towards having a greater understanding of others, their experiences, thoughts, feelings, and perspectives.
Luckily, being curious is an innate part of our human nature, so it can be easy to have a sense of inquisitiveness about others and different situations. But ensuring that our curiosity doesn’t become intrusive can be a lot more difficult to balance and achieve. Striking that fine balance between checking our assumptions through curiosity and asking questions whilst maintaining a level of appropriate behaviour and not crossing personal or professional boundaries is a skill and, like any skill, requires attention and practice. There are, however, a few key aspects to asking questions of others that can keep us on the right track and help us to not overstep the mark while obtaining the information we need.
Listening: The Key To Asking the Right Questions
In order to ask a question we have to first really listen, and pay attention to not only what is being said but also to how it is being said.
I often liken leadership to being a detective. Firstly, a detective of oneself; secondly, a detective of others. The underlying aspect of this is understanding that we do not know everything, that it is OK to not know everything, acquiring the necessary information by questioning everything, and accepting that things are not always what they appear to be. I love getting below the surface of things, and unearthing what exists underneath. What I find difficult is when I know something is going on, but everything appears to be ok when it is not. I feel safer when I know what is going on.
I remember one of my supervisors at university advising me not to accept everything that a certain person was telling me. Instead, I was encouraged to question why the person in question was telling me what they were telling me. This was in response to a situation where someone had lied to me about certain circumstances. What my supervisor was advising me to do was to think beyond the lie and to think about the motivation behind it to gain a better understanding of the situation as a whole. In order to do so, I had to begin to ask effective questions to try to understand why the lie had been told whilst fully accepting that I may never truly know the answer.
Although it can sometimes be difficult to truly understand another person’s motivations, actions, or feelings, we can teach ourselves to ask questions in a particular way that can help us reach a greater level of understanding, knowledge, or appreciation. Recently, I participated in an Imago Facilitator programme, and was reminded of the power of reflecting back what someone has said in their own words, for two reasons:
When we use a different word, similar but not the same, to the original chosen one to reflect back to someone their experience, we are overlaying what they said to us with our own interpretation of their experience
By using the same key words it shows that we have really heard what the person said illustrating to that person that we are really listening to them and that they have been genuinely heard
Reflecting back, and checking understanding, is such a powerful tool especially when there is potential for actual conflict between people or tensions based on misinterpretations or ineffective communication.
Unlocking Different Kinds of Listening
Recently, I was privileged to co-lead a session on The Four Energies of a Leader in Building Relationships for the Marketing Leadership Masterclass, with Ellie Norman and Russ Pocock. The four energies to focus on in ourselves and others are Physical, Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual. They are intertwined, each impacting on the other and on how we feel, think, and behave. However, it can be helpful to look at them individually in order to understand what, in ourselves, we might need to dial up or dial down given a situation. When it comes to listening, listening with and for the four energies is a great skill to practice and can help us check out our own assumptions and ask good questions.
Listening Physically/Body Energy
Listening through the four energies means paying attention to the physical environment, to how other people are in their bodies. I find being able to see people in online team meetings or group gatherings really helpful for me. I like the feedback that I get from seeing people’s body language, smiling, nodding, looking interested in our conversation. It helps me to feel confident, and means that I can gauge interest, and understand better where to place focus.
Listening Mentally/Intellect Energy
Listening to what people are saying, what they are thinking, and asking them for their thoughts helps people feel that their contribution matters, even when they may not be a subject matter expert. Indeed, their questions may be the most important in reflecting the questions had by a wider audience, and gives us an opportunity to address them together first. I am passionate about diversity of thought, and ensuring that people feel able to contribute their thinking and ask questions.
Listening Emotionally/Emotion Energy
Listening to how a person feels matters. I am a keen observer of people, and quick to pick up on changes in voice, body posture, and other clues to how a person might be feeling. I won’t know for sure how they are feeling, unless the person shares, however I am, in response to what I have noticed, able to share an observation, and to use the words ‘feel’ or ‘feeling’. For example, I might say ‘I notice that you sounded really excited when you spoke about that, is that how you feel about it?’ I am checking that I have picked up on the emotion, and giving the person a chance to confirm, alter, or refute it. Either way, I am acknowledging, and helping them to articulate the feeling, through asking a clarifying question. It also helps the other person realise that they are being listened to, in a genuine way, which can often help them feel more comfortable sharing.
Listening Spiritually/Spiritual Energy
This is often the energy that people puzzle over the most. For me, spirit energy is best summarised as those values and beliefs that matter to you most, your strengths, passion, and purpose. Getting clear on what you stand for, your values, and your beliefs about people, along with the difference that you want to make, are vital. In my work with executives, leaders, and their teams, I will often say there are two questions that you need to be able to answer, and they are ‘Who are you?’ and ‘Why are you here?’ These two short questions have big answers to them!
Every individual will have a varying degree of ability in each of these four energies. Some people are incredible at listening physically and reading body language, where for others they may feel less comfortable in their capabilities to ‘read people’. Some people are great at emotional listening and embody an empathetic nature and skill set that will be completely out of reach for others. It can be helpful to remember that it is OK. It is OK to not know how to be the best at listening spiritually or interpreting intellectual energy, these are skills that require attention, nurturing, and practise. They are merely the tools that we can use to check our own assumptions, begin to understand things we do not know, and effectively question our own lack of knowledge or comprehension in any given situation.
We Can’t Know Everything
It can be an embarrassing thing, realising that you do not have a particular set of information about a person or a situation or that you lack understanding that others appear to have. However, as individuals we cannot know, and do not have the emotional or mental capacity to know, everything. It is not anything to be ashamed of, it is normal.
Not only is it not a negative to not know something, it can be a positive opportunity to speak with and listen to someone that you may otherwise not have engaged with had you already been in possession of certain knowledge or understanding. A lack of knowledge about a particular subject matter can push us to communicate and converse with those that have different backgrounds, approaches, perspectives, experiences, and beliefs to our own, opening up a whole new set of information for us to explore and learn from. Not only is it OK to not know, it can sometimes be a wonderful opportunity for growth.
